Dealing With Loss
It was Thursday August 22, at 1:30 pm, when I was driving to attend a meeting, my brother called me and gave me the dreadful and heartbreaking news of my mother’s passing. It felt like suddenly part of my heart was taken from me. I felt an excruciating pain in my entire body and an enormous and suffocating weight on my chest. My hands were trembling, my legs were shaking and my head was pounding. I could not believe the news and while I was crying endlessly, I found myself in front of my home. I sat in my car for a while and cried and then I went home and cried even more. I couldn’t figure out what was happening in my body. I never experienced this feeling before and even though I used to think I was a very strong minded individual, I couldn’t control my emotions at that moment. Over last few weeks, periodically I feel the same way. Sudden surge of negative emotions rises from my mind and manifest itself as real physical illness. It has been really hard. Loss of love ones, especially mother is one of the hardest thing that anyone can face. I have been trying my best to deal with this grief, but this feeling is extremely unique and unusual. Grief is a cluster of negative emotions, such as fear, anger, anxiety, disbelief, despair, helplessness, depression and guilt and it could strike us at any time, or even unconsciously presents itself as a collection of physical illnesses. Everyone says time would heal everything, and I must move on but if grief is a feeling that manifests itself unconsciously then how I’m supposed to move on from it.
Now I’m beginning to realize why I feel how I feel. I thought part of me unfairly was taken from me and that’s why I felt scared, angry and sad. I thought there was nothing I could do to bring her back and that’s why I felt hopeless and helpless. I thought maybe there was something that I could have done to prevent her death or maybe I could have been there for her a little more and that’s why I felt guilty.
Now I`m beginning to realize that maybe I shouldn’t move on and forget this grief but instead come to terms with it. Maybe I need to face this excruciating pain and accept that life is extremely short and fragile and between birth and death there is just a limited time of life that has been granted to us and in majority of cases we have no control on the beginning and the end of this journey and all we can control is the tiny moments of our life. When it comes to losing someone we love, it never seems fair but that’s the way our life is. It is limited and there is no escape from it.
Now I`m beginning to realize that even though death is the end of physical life, it is not the end of our relationship with our love ones. If they matter to us so much, then their relationship, their impact on our lives and how they made us feel, still could be kept alive even after death.
Now I’m beginning to realize that I don’t need any closure and I don’t need to move on but instead I need to move forward with her memories, her love, her sacrifices, her care, her kindness, her impact on my life and the way she made me feel. She is with me, beside me and part of me. Now even though I’m sad but I’m not desperate, I’m looking forward to feel the sensation of having my mom in my life and that sensation comes with reminding myself of her pleasant memories, being grateful for the good days and the happy moments, and honoring her life, her dedication, her sacrifices and her love.